Am I doing enough?
On doing enough…
Am I doing enough? I find myself questioning as I sit with my back against the wall in our bedroom, tears flowing down my cheeks, gently tapping on my EFT points. The flowering kanuka out of the window droops and sways in the misty drizzle, no sun to pick me up. This spiral of questioning, which hasn’t plagued me for a while, has been twisting and turning around in my grey matter since I woke up…in pain and frustrated. Tired. Tired of a physically uncomfortable body.
“I’m doing so much to help myself on an emotional, physical, everything level, and yet I’m still struggling.” I feel like shouting.
“So obviously I’m not doing enough.” What it always comes down to when I’m in one of these moods. “I could do more. All this effort is not enough. What else can I do?”
“I don’t know Maya, why I am a still in this position if I’m enough?” my irrational argumentative side wants to say. “I’m always trying to prove to myself that I’m enough…doing enough…growing enough.” But deep down inside I grudgingly admit that I suppose I am enough, in this moment, whether I’m in pain or not. Because I am a wondrous being of light, just like everyone else. And I know to seek out a sparkle and some gratitude right here, not to wait for a future time without pain…
And even though I feel so consumed by my struggle and frustration in this moment, I look around the room to find something I am grateful for. I remind myself that this is my current reality right now, and that’s OK, but that it isn’t a forever reality. I don’t always feel like this. I look at Millie, on the ground next to me, paws over her head in a joy attack, and even though I am still quietly sobbing I feel a glimmer of gratitude for the joy she brings me and the constant companionship.
I feel like in these moments I put my hand into my tool box and pull something out that gives me hope. Sometimes it takes me longer to reach into that box, other times I do it almost immediately. But my toolbox sits, patiently, waiting for me to remember the little jewels that tinkle inside it. Today it’s tapping and remembering the wise words of people like Maya Angelou that we are enough…that this moment is enough, because it’s the only one that we have.
This toolbox would be lovely in a physical form. To write all the tools I’ve collected onto cards and have them in a beautiful container that I can refer to when I need a pick-me-up, and when I need to remind myself that I am enough and that I’m doing enough, even though in the dark moments it doesn’t always feel that way!
#mayaangelou #frustration #inthemoment #gratitude #enough #fistula